Why I’m Moving to the Woods to Become a Witch
America seems to hate women.
That’s why I’ve decided to become a witch in the woods.
The #metoo movement created a tiny inkling of positive change for us a few years back, but now we are backtracking with Texas’ ban on abortion and the Supreme Court threatening to overturn Roe v Wade.
What else, America?
Will they also release Harvey Weinstein from prison? Will raping and pillaging no longer be a thing of the past?
When I think about my ideal life a few years from now, I don’t see a 5-bedroom home by the seashore or a dream job where I get paid to swing in a hammock and drink margaritas.
Now that I know that a woman’s choice doesn’t matter to my country, my ideal life is to be a witch in the woods.
Like in the old fairytale books.
And I won’t be the kind of witch who lures in children. I will be a much nicer witch than that.
I will lure in men who hate women.
My house will not be made of candy, but boring old lumber.
And I’m going to have to hustle to build this hut because I hear lumber is pricey nowadays.
Peppermint sticks and gumdrops may be a cheaper option for building materials, but it could create a serious pest problem.
As a witch, I will use my psychic gifts and a knowledge of plant medicine and astrology to heal (and curse) people. I will use the movement of the planets to time my witchy doings. I can heal what ails you with the energy of the universe and the plants from my garden.
I will raise bees for companionship, medicinal purposes, and naturally, to use as a weapon.
My bees will be my friends, because it gets lonely in the woods. The products they create — honey, propolis, royal jelly, and venom — I will use in my medicinal witch practice.
I will be the medicine woman that the people come to for healing when the system has failed them. I will only treat women and men who are allies.
They will come to me for assistance with birth control and lady matters. My bee’s stings will cure people.
And should enemies enter my property and threaten to harm me because of my mysterious ways, my bees will be trained for attack. They will swarm the enemy and fill them with painful stings.
Witches gonna witch.
Of course, being a witch, I will put dark, deathy curses on the patriarchy.
When they come to get me and burn me at the stake, I will know that at least I will end up in a history book as the wrongly accused badass lady that did it her way and was true to the feminist order.
Nobody will remember the accusers.